Letters to Lily
by casfics
Summary: On Valentine's Day, Iain presents Lily with a more unique gift. As time passes, she finds herself more affected by it than she ever could have imagined.
1. chapter 1

Aaaaand...' Iain said, drawing out the first syllable in the word, which Lily giggled at.

'Like the idiot I am, I've left them in the car. Don't go anywhere.' He smiled, turning and leaving her apartment.

She was glad for the few seconds of space that his forgetfulness gave her; she could compose herself fully in his absence. Sitting down on the sofa, she caught sight properly of the piles of gifts that sat on the carpet. She'd been well and truly showered. Some cute things, but mostly things he knew she'd appreciate. A portable phone charger and socks (for him as much as her, since he found himself with odd socks more and more. She had discovered his socks were comfortable and had taken a shine to wearing them. He'd let her, willingly, but many had strayed since).

As much as she felt overwhelmed, she also felt embarrassed. A card and a bottle of wine was her effort for him. Valentine's Day seemed nothing more than a clichéd excuse to spoil your partner. To her, she felt appreciation should be shown every day in ways that money couldn't buy. Still, she went along with it. Partly because she felt inclined, but also because she knew he would. They had to be even and fair. She assumed he'd do something silly yet apt - flowers weren't really his thing. He always moaned about them wilting too soon. He'd told Lily before jokingly that if she'd wanted flowers, he'd go pick some of his own for free. She didn't see it as being tight-fisted, more practical.

At no point would she ever grieve the bestowal of 2 supermarket flowers. They were associated with too many negative feelings. Guilt, nervousness, regret. It was as if people thought putting them in a vase on the windowsill would magic happiness, like all the bright colours in daffodils and carnations could zap out the melancholy in life. That was what her father had thought. She grew up in a home where such things were gladly received, and they made things better in an instant. _But not now,_ Lily thought. _Not now._

He flung open the door and it hit the wall with a bang.

'What on earth?!' She gave a little laugh, cheeks tinging pink at the sheer anguish borne out of the lengths he'd gone to. Her eyes hovered to the brown, medium-sized cardboard box in his arms. His own face reddened, beads of perspiration forming on his brow.

'You are no less of a man if you put it down. It is clearly heavy.' She observed.

'Nah nah, I'm fine.' He lied, as his voice came gasping in bursts.

'Put it down!' She told him, giggling. He paused, gave a nod and bent to put it on the floor. As soon as it left his fingertips, they both heard a loud thud. She jumped slightly.

'I need to get back to the gym.' He gave a laugh, before wiping his forehead.

'What do you have in there?' She asked.

'Wouldn't you like to know?' He replied with a smirk that said he was pleased with himself.

'Yes, actually!'

Iain just chuckled, finding it cute how she never failed to miss sayings or phrases that were meant in jest.

'This is first.' He wrenched the heavy-looking antique out the box.

'What is that?' She asked, brows knitting together.

'I'm chuffed you're so grateful.'

'I am! I just don't know what it is.' She admitted.

'It's a record player.' He sighed, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

'Early 20th Century?' She asked.

'You got it.' He smiled.

'I'm intrigued.' She tucked her knees to her chest, rocking back and forth slightly in anticipation.

'Some old records. Might be a load of rubbish, but grandad passed them to me when he died several years ago. I picked them up two years ago, and there was a note inside the box. When I'd listened to them all, he wanted me to pass them on to someone I loved.' He shrugged, with a small smile.

Her eyes hovered over his face, watching him react. The gesture meant a lot to her, but the declaration of love meant so much more. 'The records that go with it in the box.' He said. 'I don't know, give it a listen. Might not do anything for you-'

'Iain. It is a lovely gesture. Thank you for everything.' She said, eyes brimming with love.

'There's one last thing too. Well, I say one. Let me show you.' He said. She fiddled with the wool on her jumper while he searched around in the box.

'Here.' He produced another smaller box, presenting it to her. She took it with some hesitation, supporting it carefully between her two hands. 'It's not fragile.' He added, noticing her gentle approach.

Upon removing the lid, Lily saw a pile of brown envelopes tied together by string. Before even inspecting them, her eyes glanced up to meet his. He nodded, earnestly, giving her permission she sought to go on.

'Read the paper on top.' He said, so she picked it up and did.

 _'These letters are in order of how you should open them. For once, take heed of instruction!_

 _1 - For when you lose a patient_

 _2 - For when you save apatient_

 _3 - Our first real fight_

 _4 - When you don't want to miss me anymore_

 _5 - When you're overwhelmed_

 _6 - When you're truly exhausted_

 _7 - When you need to know why I love you_

 _8 - When you're doubting and want to give up_

 _9 - When I've hurt you_

 _10 - At night when you want to be held_

 _11 - When you need a laugh_

 _12 - If you're embarrassed_

 _13 - A secret or two_

 _14 - After we've had a good day_

 _15 - For when you've opened all the others_

 _'Sorry for the cheese x'_

Lily giggled at the last line.

'This is ridiculously cute.' Her brown eyes glittered, causing him to drop his to the floor and smile.

'Well.' He shrugged, eyes still on the floor

' _Well_ nothing.' She shook her head lightly, struggling to see how he could even feel remotely embarrassed. 'Thank you. My bottle of wine and card looks pathetic now.'

'Not at all. You know me well. In fact, I say we crack it open now.' His smile broadened, as did hers.

'You will be the death of me. Literally. Sclerosis.' She muttered.

He laughed, as he got up from the sofa to hunt for the wine he'd left in the kitchen. 'You are mad.'

'I drink more alcohol with you than ever before!' She protested.

'It's hardly every night. Just special occasions. And this...' He was by her side before she knew it, leaning to brush her lips with his. 'Is almost certainly a special occasion.'

As he poured generously into the glasses, she eyed the floor. It had never been as cluttered, but she had never loved the sight of mess so much.


	2. chapter 2

After Iain had gone to work the next morning, Lily smiled to herself. It had been so lovely to spend the night with him, and she knew she was lucky. It was nothing but a relief that they finally managed to settle their disputes. The relationship was still budding but every minute of uncertainty in the build up to it felt worth it. She'd happily go through all the arguments again, take the brunt of all the conflict, if it meant they'd stay together. She loved him and she'd moved a mountain for him. A text pinged through.

' _Thanks for making yesterday so special. I forgot to add, there's only one rule about these letters. You must open them all before September.'_

Lily thought about this. It gave her six months. She nodded to herself.

' _Sure. Hope your shift isn't too stressful, I'll try and catch you at some point._ '

' _Thanks darling. I'll call later? Xx'_

Lily paused, not knowing whether he meant via phone or in person. Deciding she was comfortable with either, she typed a message back quickly.

' _Okay x_ '

Her eyes skimmed back over the instructions that sat with the envelopes. Intrigued, she gently tugged out letter 14 - to be opened once she'd had a good day. She had, so she might as well. Sliding her a thumb along the seal, she pulled the piece of paper out and sat it on her knee. Surprisingly, Iain's handwriting managed to be very neat and much more legible than her own.

 _'I am happiest when you are happy. Whatever we've done today, I am over the moon that it's brought a smile to your face. There's nothing I love more than knowing you're content, because you deserve that Lily._

 _There will be so many good days, I promise. I like the zoo. We'll have to go at some point, just us. That's if we've not been already. Even if we have, we can go again. The beach is also good. There's some really pretty ones in the southern parts of the country, though you can't beat the ones abroad. Anything at all._

 _Back to the subject though. I'm managing to ramble even on paper, how does that work? Chances are, if you had a good day, so did I. Every day is a good day when I'm with you. You make me happy, Lily. There'll be the bad days, and the normal days, and the good ones too. I mean what I said all those months ago. I'll be there for you, if you'll let me, and we'll be something special for as long as we are._

 _My psychic powers tell me this will be one of the first you open. I know you well. I've worked this out using Lily logic. You wouldn't want to spoil the other more meaningful ones, yet you were curious enough to open this. Am I right? I could be wrong, and then that would be embarrassing. I'm sure you'll forgive me though.'_

Lily giggled, tears springing to her eyes.

 _'I do wonder what made the day good. Maybe I'm just too funny. Maybe we watched a good film? Maybe I amazed you in some other way? Who knows. I just want to ask one thing of you. Will you make a note of it in some way? Write it down, you're good at that. I'm kidding, but I don't mind how. Just please put it on paper._

 _This is a rubbish letter compared to the others, but there's not much to say. You're already on cloud nine, and you should stay that way._

 _I love you.'_

She folded it back up neatly, placing it back in its envelope for safekeeping. She wanted to preserve it, make sure it didn't get tatty, then scribbled a quick note of the previous day on a loose scrap of paper.

-x-

Heart feeling full, she practically skipped into work.

'Someone's looking happy.' Ethan observed, noticing the wide smile on Lily's face. It was the sort of smile that would only be worn if a good evening was had the day before. The dark circles that took residence under her eyes, accompanying the smile, described to onlookers exactly the type of night that she'd had.

'I am happy.' She said.

'I can tell.' He smiled back, as he sorted the papers that were in front of him.

'It's the look of love!' Ethan tilted his head to the side.

Lily blushed slightly. 'Do I really wear my heart on my sleeve so much?'

'Afraid so.' He cleared his throat as he clocked Iain approaching.

'If it's not my favourite woman!' Iain greeted, moving up behind her and planting a kiss on her cheek.

'Not at work!' She hissed, batting him away but smiling anyway.

'PDA, can't beat it. Makes it even better.' He said, leaning against the wall as he spoke to her.

'Wait... how do you... Patent ductus arteriosus?' Lily asked.

'What?' Iain replied.

Ethan chuckled, stepping in to clear things up. 'I-I believe he meant public display of affection, Lily. And Iain, Lily thought you were describing a foetal abnormality - condition, rather - that's abbreviated in the same way.'

'Ah.' Iain looked amused. 'Trust you, what're you like?'

'A reasonable thing to think,' She huffed, feeling humiliated for missing the joke.

'That's what years of extensive training in cardiology does to you. I don't envy you.' Ethan raised his eyebrows, leaving reception to take the next patient.

'How has your morning been?' She asked.

'Reasonable.' He nodded. 'It's not the same without Jez.' He replied.

'Yeah. When is it the new paramedic arrives?'

'In three or four weeks or so.' Iain answered.

Lily's head snapped round when she heard Ethan shout. And, again, even louder. 'Lily! Need some help over here!'

She immediately turned and rushed over, heels scraping against the floor. Instead of springing into action, she shuddered at what she saw.

'Steven Brooks, impaled by this metal pole when working on a construction site. GCS 10 on arrival, it's now 7 and dropping. This is not my area of expertise at all. Waiting on paramedics for full information, they'll be two minutes.' Ethan explained.

Lily took a shaky breath, nodding. Her stomach lurched when she saw the man and his gaping wound. Not usually squeamish, she clapped a hand to her mouth.

'Lily?' Ethan urged, worried expression turning to expectant.

'Yes, take him in, Bay 3.' She asserted, mustering the authoritative tone from somewhere deep inside.

'We need to find some blood. How many units am I crossmatching for?' He asked.

'Whatever you think best,' She replied, sweeping the hair out of the back of her shirt and pulling gloves on.

'But-'

'You also have a degree in Medicine, okay?' She snapped, exasperated.

He took this well and on the chin, nodding meekly and pulling the drawer out to look for equipment.

The frenzy of beeps alerted them both and David. All three jumped.

'He's arrested.' David announced. Both medics froze. 'Shall I start compressions?' The nurse asked.

'No.' Lily said. 'Don't do anything.'

'We've got to do something, or we risk brain cell death.' Ethan urged.

'We'll impale it further in, which risks in even worse internal damage.' She explained.

'Obviously, that's understood, but we must keep the blood circulating. That is paramount to his survival.' Ethan replied, unwavering. Lily glanced back at the patient.

'I'll need to find Mrs Beauchamp or Dylan, one second.' She dashed out, slowing to a walk. Dazed by what she saw, her eyes managed to scan the room for someone professionally higher than herself. Although usually competent, she felt rocked by what she'd seen. Inside, she knew it wasn't fair to leave Ethan, who was both less experienced and visibly panicked.

'Mrs Beauchamp.' She managed to croak.

'One minute.' The clinical lead answered, pressing the phone against her ear.

'I really need your help now!' Lily's voice wobbled.

Connie excused herself down the phone, pressed her lips together and marched through into resus, where Ethan was ineffectually pressing down on the man's chest.

'I never said to start with CPR.' Lily told him.

'No, that's true, but you did tell me I had a medicine degree of my own and so I should think for myself. This is what I've done.' Ethan argued.

Expertly Connie moved Ethan out the way, taking over. 'Has either one of you ordered a CT scan?'

They both fell quiet. 'I did.' David piped up.

Connie scoffed. 'So, neither of my most reliable medics in the room has managed to do anything productive.' She gave them a baleful look. 'And instead, it fell down to the staff nurse? All credit to David, he has been the doctor. Over 15 years of training between the pair of you and you fail to take the most important steps. Unbelievable. Disappointed isn't the word.'

They all watched as Connie moved round the patient. 'CPR was started way too late. If he survives, brain damage is a very real possibility. Someone call ICU, please.' She said, breezily, as she settled the patient into sinus rhythm again.

David obliged, heading out the room without a word.

'Ethan, why didn't you start CPR earlier?' Connie addressed him coolly. 'This could have cost this patient.'

He dropped his eyes, not about to drop his friend in it, despite everything. Lily knew what Ethan had been through. He couldn't bear the brunt of this, it could be devastating for his career. She wrestled with her morals. Gulping back the lump in her throat, she opened her mouth to speak.

'I requested that he didn't.' She said quietly.

'Because of the obstruction to his chest?' Connie nodded.

'Yes.'

'In Dr Chao's defence, I do think she was being vigilant and observant, considering any additional potential risks. They are good qualities - a careful doctor is a competent one.' Ethan added.

Lily felt a surge of gratitude. He stuck up for her when she had made him feel so low, so worthless.

Connie pursed her lips. 'Since you were the assisting medic, Ethan, I'll need you to write a statement on this. An echo of what you've just said, or if you have anything you'd like to add too. Just a precautionary to cover our backs if the family should sue. After your shift will do.'

'That's fine.' Ethan nodded, meeting the clinical lead's eyes with his own.

'And Lily...' Connie turned on her way out. 'It was the wrong call, but it was a good observation. It could have been tragic - fatal, perhaps - if the object had been further embedded into his chest, so. Well done.' She said, with a slight nod of approval. 'Make sure you both chase David up, he's stable and so needs to go to ICU after the scan. Okay?'

'Thanks for your help, Mrs Beauchamp.' Ethan said, which Lily echoed.

'It's my job. You are both still good doctors, alright? I lost it a bit, I was worried for the patient... and for us all. I now see things more clearly.'

Lily breathed out slowly, turning to Ethan and finding herself at a complete loss for words.


	3. chapter 3

Lily sat cross-legged on her bed, the box of things from Iain sitting in front of her.

It had been a day where she'd just wanted her mum, or Iain, or both. The reality was, neither had been there to comfort her at no fault of their own. She'd had to source comfort from within, and it hadn't been easy. Nobody was there to look after her. Besides, that was her job anyway, to look after, and she'd failed at it. She'd called a situation wrong for the first time since her FY2 and it had been a knock to the confidence. It could have killed someone. Didn't, but could have. The conditional was enough to make her heart break. It wasn't her job to endanger anyone, and the little misjudgement felt like a failure.

She pulled out Letter 8 from the box. It felt right to open it - she had been doubting herself, and that was exactly the instruction. All the same, she felt as if she was being far too hasty. It was impatient to open two letters in two days when there was 6 months to do so. Still, Iain was going to see Gem after his shift. They needed time alone to some extent. It wasn't practical nor feasible to stay attached at the hip at all times. She reasoned that by opening the letter, she could be cheered up.

Her thumb tore back the paper all the same, the envelope catching the tears as they fell.

' _You're opening this because you're overthinking what you've done. Listen up._

 _I hate to see anyone who doesn't believe in themselves. Whether it's your abilities, or your personality, or how you are as a girlfriend. I love it all. You are perfect and you do not need to change a thing._

 _Let me tell you a story, one you'd never catch me telling you aloud. Excuse the bad grammar and sequencing of events, it's exactly my forte._

 _When I was in the army, I broke down. PTSD, you'll have heard me say before. Never have I ever told anything like this in such detail, so, sorry if it's intense in parts._

 _My friend had been away on service for some time too. I met him there - Paul - we got on really well. He was an ex police officer, fancied a change. He had a wife and two kids, even though he was only in mid twenties. Babies - identical twins. They'd be in school now. He kept this photo of them under his pillow._

 _Anyway, he was a good mate. We spent ages chatting on nights, playing cards and stuff. Sounds small but it really lifted my spirits whilst I was there. We also spoke about what we'd want to do if one of us became injured, so there was a common understanding sort of thing._

 _We were out one afternoon. It was so hot, the type of heat that you can feel radiating your skin. We'd been out all morning, about to go for a drink. These men started coming. They were armed, I'd never seen rifles as big. I was terrified. This poor bloke found himself to rooted to the floor, that was worst of all. They aimed, fired and the first bullet went straight through the side of his head. I was gutted and went into shock myself, freezing. All the others deserted us, like procedure. So long as you were in pairs, you were in line with the rules._

 _I put myself at risk that day. It would have been so easy to just leave him, but it was another human. I had a split second to make the decision between carrying him over my shoulder (he wasn't capable of running himself) or leaving him there, and he would have almost certainly died in seconds._

 _The issue with carrying him was that these men were fast approaching, firing relentlessly. I knew full well that he'd be acting as a shield for me, and there wasn't any guarantee he'd survive even if I took him with me. It was more likely he'd die more slowly, or at least feel worse pain._

 _I had less than two seconds to make my choice. I still feel guilty to this day. It was a selfish thing to do, prolonging his life. Using his lifeless body to protect mine._

 _It was one of those times where neither decision feels right. If I tell you I spent months overthinking, it would be an understatement. Even to this day when we see some casualties, it all comes flooding back. He would have wanted me to leave him to die and I didn't, just so I could survive._

 _A bullet hit my other shoulder and bounced straight back off, barely pierced the skin. When we finally got back to the base, or "safety" as we called it, I laid him out. The clothing on his back was all torn from all the bullets that hit him. If it wasn't for him over my shoulder, they would have hit my internal organs and I wouldn't be here to tell the tale. No question about that._

 _For weeks I tormented myself before I came home. It's up there as one of the worst experiences of my life. Do you know what made me stop? Realisation. That it's okay to do your best. You can only do what you feel is right at the time. I once confessed all this to Dixie. She was a bit before your time, but she's a good friend of mine who worked as a paramedic too._

 _Her exact words, I quote:_

 _'Don't doubt yourself so much love, you are more than good enough. You did what you could for that man, that's all that matters.'_

 _Anyway, enough of my wise old ramblings. Do as you will, my Lily, but do remember that anything that makes you feel bad can be used positively. You told me after the helicopter crash that you can't change things, but you can redefine them. You were right then. Believe in that, and believe in yourself. I know you hate them, but have a bath. It's not soaking in your own dirt if you have a shower too afterwards. And no, you're not contributing to global warming - the universe can lend you a bit of extra water. I promise you'll feel better. Failing that, just put your feet up. After that, shut your brain off._

 _I love you.'_

-x-

She lowered herself gently into the water, feeling the sting as it boiled her icy skin.

The bubbles clung to the sides, and she slid further and further down until she was submerged, but for the face.

She pushed all thoughts aside along with the thoughts of the day's events. Ethan would fiercely have her back - that wasn't a worry. It was more her judgement, or lack thereof, that upset her. Infuriatingly, Iain always had a way of knowing what she needed. Humouring his suggestion and running the bath felt like a good idea. She stayed soaking in the water for at least half an hour, before pulling the plug and watching all traces of the day go down the plug hole.


	4. chapter 4

'You have defied all the rules, as usual.' He said, as they plodded along the sand of the nearest beach. They'd gone as a treat -they both had the day off and were keen to spend time with one another.

'I don't understand.' She shook her head.

'You weren't supposed to tell me which letters you'd opened!' He laughed.

'I didn't.' She replied. 'I happened to mention that going to the beach was indeed a good idea. If you have made your own assumptions, how is that my doing?'

'Of course, of course.'

'Here we are, stop complaining.' She replied, dropping the reusable carrier bag with a thump on the sand.

Iain splayed his fingers and screwed up his face, looking at the grey sky. 'It's raining.' He announced.

'Nonsense, it's drizzle, it will stop in five minutes.' She told him, laying out a towel. 'Besides, it's warm. 22 degrees.'

'What are we going to do, cloud bathe? You're meant to be the logical one!'

'Oh, why not? It's somewhere to sit if our legs get tired.'

'Legs get tired!' He repeated, tutting.

'I only have small legs...' She looked at him, unintentionally batting her eyes. It caused him to smirk, convinced that nobody else saw this side to her.

'You are on your feet for 12 hour days in them bloody high heels of yours. I think you'll be fine in trainers for an hour or so.'

'That is different, though...' She trailed off as she noticed a shell a couple of metres away from him. She took a few steps and bent down to pick it up.

'How is it different?' He replied.

Seagulls noisily flew overhead, and she made her way back to him.

'Look how pretty this is.' She said.

He nodded. 'Yeah, it's... it's nice, isn't it?' It was a noticeably delayed response.

She looked up at him and gave a little frown, before spluttering with laughter. 'You don't see it, do you?'

He smiled. 'Nah, not really darling. I'd be lying if I said I did.'

A pause. 'You're cute.' She gave him a smile, then crouched down again before he could reply.

He grinned to himself, smoothing out the curling corners of the towel with his foot. He looked back up and saw her clothes in a pile on the floor.

'Lily, you are going to be freezing in a bikini.' He told her, feeling oddly like the parent.

'You don't go to the beach to sit in your clothes! _Hello?!_ Where's your sense of fun, Iain?' She sighed.

He rolled his eyes, pulling his shirt over his head.

'Race you?' Lily asked.

He groaned. 'Oi! You had a head start!'

She didn't hear, for she was too far down the sand for his voice to carry. It was a funny sight watching her pelt down the beach, and so unlike her.

She turned round, face alight, before her expression dropped quickly.

'Why are you still up there?' She shouted.

'I can't hear you!' He yelled back. He could, and they both knew it.

She gave him a disapproving look, before turning around to the sea and just standing there. He wondered if she was sulking, but then realised she was just looking at the waves. Amused, he crept up behind her and scooped her off the sand in one quick movement.

'What are you doing? Ughh! Iain!' She shook her head.

'Not so bossy now, are you?'

'Put me _down!_ ' She begged, trying not to laugh.

'What do you say?' He asked.

She glared at him. 'No. I am not pleading with... with you to put me back where I originally was!'

'Fine, you can stay up here then. Nice view, is it?' He asked, holding her above his head with ease.

'Stop it, I don't like heights!' She laughed.

'Say please then.' He chuckled, enjoying himself.

She rolled her eyes, silent for a couple of seconds before realising he was unbudging. 'Please.'

'Please, what?' He asked.

'Please Iain!'

'What do you want me to do?' He asked.

'Put me down, obviously! Stop playing stupid games! Ugh.' She protested.

'Try it all together.' He told her, loving having the power.

'Please Iain, put me down!' She whined.

'Okay.' He said, with as much nonchalance as he could muster, and after three big strides into the sea, he dropped her into the water.

She emerged from the water, nostrils flaring. 'You are not funny.'

'You are, though.' He pointed.

She winced and pulled the seaweed out her hair, coughing the water back up all the while. 'If I physically could, I would do the same to you.' She told him.

'Well, that's a pity.' He shrugged.

'I will get you back.' She warned, wringing out the water in the material.

He just smirked to himself and walked further up the sand.

'Now I'm cold.' She whined.

'I told you so.' He said, without even looking round.

'I didn't anticipate being drenched though.'

'Too bad.' He plodded up the sand. 'You could go get your towel.' He gestured back up the beach.

She paused for a second, thinking. 'Or you could just have a big hug?'

Iain let out a yelp as she wrapped her arms around him. 'What do you think you're doing? You're freezing!'

'And whose fault is that?' Lily replied, a smug smile appearing on her face.

'You've got your own back, good and proper.' He shook his head and stomped off, Lily giggling behind him as she skipped to keep up with his big steps.

'I told you I would.' She called.

He turned over his shoulder and rolled his eyes, smiling all the same.

-x-

Lily smiled to herself. Iain was in the shower, which she knew gave her a window of about 8 minutes (she'd timed him before knowing the information would come in handy). That was all she needed.

'Letter 7 - reasons why I love you

Hey beautiful girl,

How do I start? God, this is difficult.

I don't just love you. I adore you. With every single bit of me. Sometimes you scare me, because I've never loved a human like I do you.

I wish you knew. I'll try to put into words just how I feel, but I'm a bit crap at stuff like this. If it's lots of waffle, forgive me and try to push through it.

You are effortlessly beautiful in so many ways. You are breathtaking and amazing and I'm blown away that you even considered me.

I love the way your hair always smells like coconuts (don't correct me and say it's shea butter and almond or some other fancy rubbish, it's coconut to me).

I love the way your eyes light up at the little things, like when you're surprised or when you get some good news.

I love how you say my name, both at 2pm when you're whining at me for not listening or for being silly, and at 2am too.

I love your chubby cheeks, even though you hate them.

I love how you can still be a 10/10 even after the worst of night shifts.

I love your silly side, and I love seeing it come out more and more often.

I love your carefulness and attention to detail, it makes you so great at what you do.

I do love your bossiness - sorry, assertiveness - very much too.

I love the way you have an attitude.

I love your strength and ability.

I love your passion for the job and what you believe in.

I love the way you smirk when you think I'm not looking.

I love your dreadful attempts at jokes, and how they never fail to make me laugh.

I love your beautiful brown eyes, they are so innocent yet so wise too.

Speaking of which, I love your wisdom and depth - you are far beyond your years.

I love the way you steal the covers when you're asleep - and the rest of the bed too.

I love drunk Lily.

I love the way you love me.

I love the way you tell stories.

I love the way your toes curl when... I won't finish that sentence or I'll embarrass us both!

I love the way you find meaning in the littlest of things.

I love it when you're angry.

I love you when you're off guard.

I love your giggles, they make me smile too.

I love that you're an unstoppable force, and your refusal to listen, it's cute (sometimes)

I love you in your makeup

I love you with no makeup at all

I love your bed hair.

From your toes to your nose and back down again,

I love you.

-x-

'Sorry, I've had to open the window, it's so steamy in there.' He explained, rubbing vigorously at the back of his neck with a towel.

'It's fine, I'll go soon.' She nodded.

'Okay.' He looked more closely at her. 'Have you been crying?'

'No.' She replied, as she kicked the box under her bed.

'Lils...' He sighed, sitting down next to her on the bed. The way he said it sounded more like a telling-off than anything else, but she knew it wasn't mean that way and that he was just concerned.

'I'm not sad.' She shook her head.

'No? Cos... you can tell me if you are, it's not burdening me or owt daft like that.'

'No.' She shook her head more forcefully then, another small tear rolling down her cheek. 'I'm happy.'

His expression was still contorted with concern, clearly not convinced. She sighed. 'I'd tell you, but you'll tell me off.'

'No I won't.' He replied gently, not catching out.

'Iain, use your brain!' She snapped, although she did so jokily.

He chuckled. 'I am doing.'

She rolled her eyes. 'The letter.' She hissed, as if it was a secret and it wasn't only the two of them there.

'What letter?' He asked, confusion still visible on his face.

'Your letter! Letter 7.' She replied.

'Ohhh...' He blushed slightly. 'Yeah, that makes sense. I never meant to make you cry though.'

'Sh, I've told you. Happy tears, see?' She gave him a small smile. 'Reduced to tears by a man I swore I'd never fall in love with.'

'Well, there you go.' He smiled. 'I'm beginning to think there's no point in these being secret though.'

'Sorry...' She pulled a face.

'No, no. It's my fault too. You tried to keep it under wraps, but I didn't cotton on to what you were upset about like the numpty I am.'

'Well, let's not discuss the future ones, then.' Lily said, eyes brightening as if she'd found the solution.

Iain smiled at her. 'There's a plan.'

'Pinky promise?' She outstretched her hand in his direction.

'Pinky promise.' He nodded, linking his little finger with hers. They froze, staring at each other for what felt like an eternity before Lily turned round.

'We must stop doing that in daylight!' She begun to walk towards the bathroom without a backward glance, for she knew if she turned around, it was likely she wouldn't make it to the shower (at least, not alone)

'Just have a shower, go on.' He laughed, slightly embarrassed.

As the door slammed behind her, Iain pulled out the box from under the bed. Opening it, he saw the letter lying on top of the others. He unfolded it and begun to read the very words he'd scribbled down weeks before, and realised why she had become so emotional. He knew, in her shoes, he would have been too.


	5. chapter 5

**Writer's block - sorry if this isn't my best piece. I literally don't have a spare second at the moment. Imagine 6 different areas of study and nine months to learn it all in. Yuuuup. I would love to be updating more frequently though. Please do stay tuned as I have some ideas for stories in the coming months, like Halloweeny and Christmassy one shots :) if you're reading, a PM or comment below with your thoughts would really be appreciated.**

'Good morning,' Lily whispered, tumbling over onto her tummy and pressing her lips to his.

He chuckled sleepily. 'Morning, someone's cheerful.'

'Uh, I always am.' She prodded him twice in the shoulder sleepily.

'Ow!' He half complained, half laughed.

'Shh, that didn't even hurt.'

'Does the best boyfriend in the world get a coffee?' He asked, smiling.

'If he comes with me, my legs are tired.' She told him.

'Your legs are not tired, Lily. That's a... a _silly_ excuse.'

'They are!' She whined.

'They are!' He did an impression of her, and she jabbed him again.

'I'll make you a coffee but I don't want to walk to the kitchen.' She sighed, comically torn.

'Use your powers and magic a kettle out of thin air.' He replied.

'Iain!' She moaned. 'Just come with me.'

'Then I might as well make my own!' His head lolled back against the pillow.

She didn't reply, so he peeked through his eyelashes and saw her face less than two inches away from his. 'Agh! Scary.' He faked a shudder. 'Come on, then.'

He rose first, widening his arms with a sigh. She smiled and wrapped her legs around his waist, placing both hands on his shoulders. His hands moved to grip her thighs and he took a few staggering steps towards the doorway.

'Be careful with me!' She scolded.

'Oh sorry, precious one!' He muttered.

'You're digging in.' She complained.

'Walk then.' He answered simply, dropping her on her feet with a thud.

'Iain!' She whined, feet staying rooted to the floor as he begun to walk off (deliberately slowly, so she had the chance to catch up). She bent her knees and jumped onto his back, but he stooped so she slid off again. This time, due to a combination of his clumsiness and her silliness, she fell almost flat on her back.

Iain turned round, horrified when he heard the noise.

'You alright? I genuinely thought you were clinging on. I'm sorry...'

She stood up, brushed herself down and walked past him into the kitchen.

'Lily?' He called after her.

'I'm making your drink, that's what you wanted, isn't it?' She replied.

'Why are you being funny now?' He screwed his face up.

'Perhaps something to do with the fact that I just fell on the floor?'

'Oh, let that go! Are you hurt?'

'I'm fine.'

'Alright then, so there's no issue is there?'

'Yeah. No issue.' She slammed the coffee pot.

'Lily.' He sighed. 'Don't spoil the morning. I thought we were off to a good start.'

'I just fell over. I'm still thinking about the other day. Work is stressful.' She lied, deliberately fabricating things out of embarrassment.

'Then talk to me.' Iain followed her.

She turned round swiftly, eyes hardening and meeting his. 'I'm fine. Just please don't grill me about making the atmosphere bad.'

He sighed, defeated, at a loss of what to say. Eventually, he thought of something. 'Do you want me to go?'

'No, I'm making you a drink aren't I?'

-x-

Lily watched out the corner of her eye as he downed his coffee in several gulps.

'So, what's on today's agenda?' He asked.

'Writing up some reports.' She replied, still quite cool.

'Right.' He nodded. 'Sounds quite dull. Although, it's the sort of task you'd argue was interesting. Am I right?' He asked.

She smiled before she could help it, and so he nudged her.

'There's that smile. Are you genuinely okay, or are you hurt?' He asked.

'I'm fine! I said so, didn't I? Can you just stop bringing it up?' She replied with almost a touch of defensiveness.

'Sorry.' He cleared his throat. 'So, I'm out with this substitute paramedic. He's completely sapless. No use nor ornament kind of thing. If it were legal to, I'd go out by myself. Unfortunately, that's not an option. Trust Jez to leave us high and dry.'

Lily narrowed her eyes, on to his game of changing the subject. 'Hm. Never mind. I am sure you'll get to know one another in no time.' She sifted through the documents on her bed, typing away on her laptop.

'I'll get my stuff then and I'll be off. These early starts, I tell you. Killing me, they are.'

'Okay.' She just nodded, definitely picking up on the blanket of awkwardness that was the atmosphere. She was deep in thought whilst he gathered his stuff and got ready. Finally, before he left, he popped his head around the door.

'Chuckles?'

'What?' She looked up.

'I'll...' He gulped. 'Well, I'll see you later, yeah? I'll text you. Don't work too hard.'

'You too.' She replied quietly.

When he'd gone, she gently tugged out the box from under the duvet. She knew which one she was reading before she'd even looked at the contents.

 _Letter 12 - for when you're embarrassed:_

 _'My dearest Lily,_

 _These are getting quite difficult to write, so I'm just opening my mind and letting my soul pour out. See, that was incredibly cringey, but I hope you get my drift._

 _See I really don't know what I'm doing, but that brings me nicely to the point I'm trying to get at. I am just a man, blundering about, with no real purpose or anything. Yeah, I save lives, and that's all very grand, but sometimes I forget to live my own life. Sometimes I overshare. Sometimes I say the wrong thing to a patient. Sometimes I look stupid - most times, actually. Sometimes I make mistakes. We all do. It's when these mistakes are embarrassing that it's a little harder to handle._

 _I know you don't do embarrassed well. Your little cheeks go pink, and I think it's cute, but you probably don't. I know you hate it, nobody loves it, but you especially hate it. Take solace in my words of wisdom. They are as follows._

 _You are wonderful, you are worthy, and you are so much more than whatever has brought you down. Again, cheesy, but you need to repeat that to yourself._

 _I don't know what's happened - if only I did. I just hope to God you're not upset reading this. If it's at work, it doesn't matter. You will never see that patient again, and you've probably magnified the whole thing in your head anyway. If it's to do with Mrs Beauchamp - good luck, she's terrifying! Only kidding, that will be fine too. Everyone admires and respects you for the Doctor they know you are. You will have handled whatever it was well. Even if you did make someone laugh, you brightened their day for ten seconds, didn't you? Think of all the times you witness something stupid. You either laugh privately for a few seconds and forget it, or you pity them. That is all that will have happened._

 _On another important note, I'd like to apologise if it's me that you're embarrassed about, or something related to me. Lily, I am the silliest man in the world. I am literally bonkers. The amount of times I do something mad and then realise how much of a prat I've been._

 _You have no need to be embarrassed around me, alright? I am staying and I always will. You'd have to do something drastic to change that, and I mean drastic!_

 _You're one hell of a woman and I adore you. Head up._

 _I love you x_


End file.
